2 Ways To Deal With Frustration

We deal with frustration daily. What happens when you want the toddler to go to bed and she wants to watch one more Disney episode? Does she accept your wise counsel that she can watch more Disney tomorrow with an angelic smile? Or do you get a cocktail of ‘Why not, it’s not fair, screaming, sulking and the body language of“How could you do this to me!”
Now here is an incident an executive described to me in a coaching session:
I was in transit at an airport with my wife and kids. A long flight delay had been announced so I escorted the family to a membership lounge.
“You can come in, sir, but not your family” says the receptionist.
“Why not? I’m a frequent flyer. What are we supposed to do? The kids are tired.” I declaimed aggressively.
“I’m sorry sir – your membership doesn’t include access for others.”
“They’re not others – they’re my family.” I was getting louder and angrier – people were looking up.
“Can’t you make an exception?” I shouted.
“I’m afraid I have to follow the rules, sir, and the terms of your membership.”
“You’re not a robot – surely there’s latitude in these situations.”
“There are lots of nice play areas and cafes on the main concourse”, she offered.
“Come on children. I’m going to complain. What’s your name?” he shouted and stormed out.
In both scenarios the toddler and the dad won’t take no for an answer. They both get louder, more emotional, angry, and attack the other. They are both locked into their positions. It’s more understandable with the toddler but Dad is an example of many adults who fall back into their child persona at the slightest frustration. A primitive part of our brain is triggered and hey, out come the reptiles.
You might argue that the receptionist is also locked into her position repeating the company line – but she is simply doing her job according to the rules. She makes a helpful suggestion and gets shouted at. She asserts her decision firmly without launching a personal attack whereas the passenger expresses his frustration like an angry brat.
The ‘knee-jerk’ positions people adopt are central to understanding how conflict begins, is managed and resolved. Many of us, especially when tired or stressed, regress into ‘infantile’ behavior. These default positions serve our basic survival and coping instincts but limit the possibilities of dialogue often to accusation ‘ping pong’:-
“You’re never in the office when we need you!”
“At least someone in this business is out visiting customers.”
“Losing them in your case…”
“At least I don’t sit behind a screen all day, contributing nothing.”
Positional exchanges both express conflict and causes it as there is no apparent escape from the loop of judgement, accusation and insult. It is here you need to deal with frustration that exists to break this loopy exchange.
It is no coincidence that many courses for training negotiators and mediators begin with focusing on ‘positions’ and ‘interests’. Interests are those assets, policies, activities, relationships that bring benefit and over which you want to conserve power. I will explore their role in resolving conflict in the next article.
Meanwhile let’s go back to our beleaguered family at the airport who are reluctantly heading for the escalator. A woman who had seen the incident rushes after them and says, “Please excuse my interrupting. I have a platinum membership which entitles me to be accompanied by family. I’d like to invite your wife and children to join me as my guests in the lounge and you can use your own card.”
My coachee said he felt both grateful and embarrassed by his own behavior. He then admitted to similar behavior in dealing with colleagues in his role. He had a short fuse and inadequate listening skills. He needed to learn to deal with frustration, in real-time to stop from getting swept away with it.
We worked on his ability to recognize and control the toddler tendency before it took over. Then, we were able gradually to broaden his portfolio of listening and influencing behaviors.

2 ways you can deal with your frustration

These could help you notice and control your inner toddler locking into a position. These techniques are also useful to pass on to coaching clients.
1. See yourself from an outsider’s perspective. Imagine that the kind woman passenger is in the room with you, invisibly watching the interaction from the ceiling. Ask yourself how this conversation looks to her and how she would deal with it. This might help you develop perspective and keep your language moderate leading to more effective tactics.
2. If you tend towards intense judgemental reactions and verbal attacks, it can take time to learn control. Carry an object with you such as a colored pen, a piece of jewelry, a sticker on your hand phone – meaningless to others – but a prompt to remind you to manage your behavior consciously before the reptile sticks out its tongue.